time keeps on ticking...

I was in denial for quite awhile, but now that it is looming less than two weeks away, I have to face the truth. I will soon be back to work full time and Griffin will be in day care. There aren't words to describe how I feel about the situation so I don't talk about it very often. Bittersweet barely scrapes the surface. Being a stay-at-home mom to a newborn has been, quite literally, one of the hardest things I've ever done. I also worked hard for my education and I like my job. But when I think about leaving my son alone with strangers all day after not being separated for more than an hour since he's been born- about not being able to see him smile whenever I want- about our bond being weakened... I literally get nauseous. I want Griffin to know his family better than he knows his teachers. I want him to grow up with our values. I want him to be comfortable, in his own bed, in his own home. I want to be able to nurse him whenever he needs it. I don't want him to be part of an institution. I want us to have more time together than two hours before bed and the weekend. Unfortunately, we don't have a choice right now. I'm just trying to focus on the good aspects of it and value the time we do have left together. I'm just going to miss him so much.

We've been busy lately too. We heard back from the minister and Griffin will officially be baptized at the Easter Eve Vigil! The service sounds incredibly beautiful and moving. Apparently we start in the building next door to the church in the evening and carry lit candles over to the church sanctuary. The fire means a lot of things. Of course, to devout Christians it symbolizes the Resurrection, but it also has an earlier start as part of the pagan Ostara celebrations, celebrating the growing light of spring and new birth. I love the tradition of it and that our church is open enough to allow us our own interpretations and sense of spirituality. I am thrilled that it is during this service Griffin will begin his spiritual journey! Because of the impending baptism and the fact that we will becoming members, we have been attending church services each sunday. We've really been getting a lot out of the sermons. I think we're both at a point in our lives where we're finally able to stop and listen, to tune into ourselves, to focus on what is important. And having Griffin attend their child care for an hour or so each week has sort of been getting me ready for the inevitable!

Griffin & I after church!

Griffin and I met Drew for lunch at the courthouse again today. Since it was a holiday, things were very quiet and this time we did get to meet Drew's judge. She was awesome and she adored Griffin. I can see why Drew likes her so much. We also got to meet Drew's captain who was also very nice. Griffin had some pretty fancy access today!

The most important news is that we were able to get Griffin an appointment to see the cardiologist much sooner than we were expecting. We will be going in on Thursday morning. Again, I am sure it is nothing, but I will be SO GLAD to have that confirmed for me. I havent allowed myself to think about it much, but it has still been a huge stress. He has continued to be the same funny, moody, sweet, wonderful, impatient, gorgeous, amazing child though- so I take that as a good sign!