you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need

Today marks Griffin's ninth day of life. The past week or so has been beautiful and awful all at the same time, but I can't stop marveling over the life that Drew and I created. It has also given me some time to think about his day of birth and all of the emotions I had tied up in it before I actually wrote it down.

Drew and I, thinking Griffin would just never show up on his own, scheduled an induction for Sunday night, January 16th. While I knew it was the best decision, I wasn't happy about it. It meant so much to me that Griffin be able to get the opportunity to emerge on his own time. I just also knew that the longer it went, the more problems there could be associated with his delivery and health. So Sunday it was.

But then the day before, on Saturday morning, around 4 am I woke up with contractions. They weren't that bad to begin with, resembling strong menstrual cramps every 10 minutes or so. I was literally giddy with excitement but I was afraid of announcing I was in labor for fear that they were just more Braxton Hicks. An hour later they were getting slightly stronger and slightly closer together so I took a hot bath which worked miracles to ease the discomfort. I went back to bed and told Drew I thought today was the day! We had done the right thing in waiting, our son had his time and my body was making it happen. I was starving and I made Drew take me to IHOP. For some reason I was craving pancakes and the contractions were still far enough apart that it made more sense for me to stay active. Thank god we did because it was some of the only real sustenance I'd have for a day and a half.

I labored most of the day at home just like I had planned. The contractions gradually got stronger and closer together and although extremely painful, it was one of the happiest times in my life. All I kept thinking about was that with each contraction I was one step closer to my son and that every minute of discomfort I endured was natural, beautiful, and exactly what I had asked for. I managed to make it less uncomfortable by rolling on my exercise ball, stretching, and breathing with Drew.

Halfway through the day, the hospital called about my induction. They were overbooked for Sunday and had to move me to that evening instead. I let her know that I was in labor so didn't think I'd need the appointment, but she said we should keep it in case he didn't move along fast enough, she didn't want us to lose our spot. I was terrified. My heart broke for this baby who was trying so hard to make his momma happy and here we were telling him it wasn't quite good enough. I prayed that he would move along and that we would beat the induction.

While I would have been more than happy to stay at home as long as possible, Drew is extremely protective and wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Our midwives said that normal time to come to the hospital is when you are 5-6 minutes between contractions for at least an hour but that if you are more comfortable at home, you can wait until 3-4 minutes. Drew tirelessly times my contractions so that the second we could leave for the hospital, we would. I hit the 5 minute time frame around 5:30 pm and I agreed to go mostly so that I could safely be admitted as a regular labor and not an induction.

When we first got there, we met with the midwife on call, Jen. We had just met her the week before but we really liked her and I was glad she'd be working with us. She checked my dilation and I was about 3.5 centimeters. While I was slightly disappointed since I had been laboring all day, I also knew that a normal first time labor can take 12-24 hours so I was prepared for the hours ahead. Jen was really happy about that progression since I had only been 1 centimeter a few days before and said the rest of the dilation goes really quickly once it starts.

That part was true. From the time we checked into the hospital, my contractions got more and more intense. By 9 pm they were about 2-3 minutes apart and I was managing by using the whirlpool tub (a godsend) and through Drew's pain management massage techniques. When Jen checked my dilation that time, I was at 6 cm. Things were moving incredibly fast and we were all thrilled. Only 4 cm between me and my boy.

Unfortunately, those 4 cm became my greatest enemy. Although my contractions continued to come harder and faster through the night, each time my dilation was checked, I was still at 6 cm. Labor became more and more difficult as the early morning hours emerged because not only was I in increased pain, but I was extremely exhausted, and, honestly, starving. Around 3 am, Jen came in and suggested she break my water. While I didn't want to have any interventions, I knew that this was the most common (many amniotic sacs will never break on their own) and Jen indicated that she thought it would speed labor up immensely, in fact warned that it could become much more painful and intense. The procedure itself was painless and I looked forward to there being an end in sight. Unfortunately, I think for some reason it had the opposite effect. I began to notice my contractions losing intensity and speed. Drew and I went on a walk around the maternity ward to try to get them jump started again, but the next time Jen checked, I was still at 6 cm and my contractions were now back to 6 minutes apart. She mentioned the possibility of using pitocin to get my contractions back on track.

Initially, I refused. Pitocin was one of hte interventions I knew FOR SURE that I never wanted. I knew all about the unnatural contraction strength it causes and all of the problems that can result from it, but as the hours wore on without any change at all, I began to worry about Griffin and what prolonging the labor could mean for him, especially since my water was already broken and we were already more than 24 hours since labor had started. So when Jen came back a few hours later and I was still 6 cm, she was a little more intense about the need for pitocin and I was more open to the idea. I still cant decide whether or not that was a mistake. The levels of pitocin in my drip automatically increased every hour. Unfortunately, it also caused me to be bed ridden between the IV and the need for constant fetal monitoring. I felt the effects immediately and the next few hours were some of the most hellish I have ever experienced. I went from having natural contractions that I could manage to huge chemical induced peaks. Not only was the pain the most intense I have ever experienced, but the contractions started to come so fast that there was never any relief. I was 1-2 minutes between contractions, but even "between", my body never relaxed and stopped experiencing pain. All I could do was moan and squeeze Drew's hand. After an hour of that, I asked to be connected to the portable fetal monitor so that I could labor in the tub- my source of relief all night. It took them forever to figure it out and then they filled the tub for me making it MUCH colder than I was used to. Even so, I tried the tub for over an hour. Drew kept telling me that this had to be transition, that I had to be at least 8 cm by now. I desperately wanted to believe him. At a certain point though I just couldn't deal with the pain and not knowing any more, so I asked Jen to check my dilation again. I just needed to know that this decision had made a positive difference. Unbelievably, after a steady pitocin drip for almost 3 hours, I was only dilated to 6.5 cm. Jen told me she wasn't sure why I wasn't progressing. Maybe my body was telling me something. She said that sometimes women's bodies wont move forward with labor if the baby is too big, the mother's pelvis is too small, or there is something else preventing a healthy delivery. She told us that she wanted to be honest in that she thought a Cesarean section could end up being a possibility but that we could also try increasing the pitocin for a few hours to see what happened. A c-section was the absolute last thing I ever wanted for many reasons so I opted for the pitocin increase, but I was also at the very edge of the pain I was able to tolerate and I couldn't imagine it increasing any more so after more than 30 hours of labor I asked for an epidural.

I was really conflicted about the pain medication. It went against everything I wanted, yet I knew it was the only way I would be able to withstand the rest of labor and avoid c-section. It took awhile for them to get to me, but when I finally got the drip I felt immediate relief. The pitocin was still flowing- I could feel huge amounts of pressure in my abdomen with each contraction. They were almost continuous and off the charts as far as the strength on the monitor, but for the first time I didn't feel pain. I also, oddly, didn't feel exactly myself anymore. After two more hours, however, I was still at 6.5 cm and I was told that Cesarean was my only option.

I wasn't miserable going into surgery. I felt defeated, but I also knew I would be meeting my son really soon and that this unbelievably long process would soon be over. Once I got into the operating room, however, something went wrong. I think it was the combination of medications along with my exhaustion, stress, and hunger but I started to pass out. I remember asking the anaesthesiologist as the surgery started if it was normal that I feel so drowsy. He said it was sometimes but to let him know if I felt any pain. I stopped feeling anything at all, my baby was being born and I was fighting to maintain consciousness. All of a sudden I heard Griffin's first wail as he was introduced to air and I cried before I completely went into shock. My blood pressure soared from extreme highs and lows, my entire body was shaking uncontrollably, I kept losing consciousness and for a brief moment I wondered if I was going to die. I remember Drew excitedly bringing Griffin over to me and I couldn't see him and then I remember them leaving as I got sewn back together. The hospital staff packed me with warm blankets to try to stabilize me but even in the recovery room I wasn't able to interact the way I would have wanted to for a long time. It felt like years before I could even hold my son for the first time. But when I did, it was like everything else never happened. He was so magnificent, and I was so in love with him, all that mattered was that he was here.

I spent some time feeling really sorry for myself as this experience was so much the opposite of the one I wanted. But I realized that the c-section was unavoidable- he just wasn't going to be born any other way. And the parts in between were just part of the path I had to take to get to him. It was the most difficult experience I have been through in every way- physically, emotionally... but I can't say that I would change it. I am glad that I experienced those first 30 or so hours of unmedicated labor. I was so happy and at peace the entire time. And the rest of it were just tests of my strength and mind. I went through everything I did for my son and I'd do it all again.

Much Anticipated

Griffin Carlisle Keefer was (finally) born on Sunday, January 16th at 3:17 pm. He weighed a whopping 8 pounds 1 ounce and was 21 inches long. He is pretty much the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen. He has a pretty crazy birth story (as most babies do) and I'll write all about it one day soon when I do not feel like falling asleep standing up.

it's up to the boy.

The choice is Griffin's. He can pick the easy way or the hard way, but one way or another, labor will commence before the weekend is over!

Yesterday was my last day of work- I am officially on maternity leave. That turned out to be a good thing since I got no sleep again last night. Drew got off  work at noon (he is also now on leave) and we went to the clinic for another NST. This one went really well (no concerns or rushing to the hospital). Griffin is, apparently, ridiculously content.

But the fact remains that he HAS to be born. We've been doing the best we can with not rushing him, but much longer in there could also be dangerous for him. So we have scheduled the induction to start at 9 pm on Sunday night. He still has time to come on his own (and I really hope he does!) but if not, it looks like he'll be born sometime on Monday!

A Plan!

Today Drew and I went in to see our midwife and talk about this problem baby of ours who refuses to be born. We started out with an ultrasound which went really well. The placenta still looks really good, I have plenty of amniotic fluid, and Griffin was beautiful as always. They are estimating him to weigh about 7 1/2 pounds right now which is really healthy. We even found out it looks like he'll be born with a little hair!

Then we had a fetal non stress test (NST) done. This is basically where they monitor heart rate in conjunction with activity. When the baby moves around, they want to see a corresponding increase in heart rate. If the heart rate goes down, it may indicate a problem in getting oxygen or nutrients through the umbilical cord. For the most part, the NST looked really good. Our midwife just said that there were two or three small dips that made her uncomfortable. She said she was sure it was nothing, but she would feel more comfortable sending us to the hospital for more monitoring rather than sending us home. She was really sweet and re-assuring, but it still made me really nervous. Its never ok hearing that something *could* be wrong with your baby. Especially since she went on to talk about how if there was an issue, we'd be in good hands & they'd just immediately induce me. As much as I want to see my son, the prospect of an emergency induction terrified me and left me feeling totally out of control and helpless. Thank god Drew was there to get me calm and focused before the tears started. He is already an amazing coach.

I briefly called work to tell them I wouldn't be back in, then my mom so she'd know what was going on and then we were off to the hospital. We were admitted into an observation room where I had to actually put on one of their scratchy robes, got hooked up to monitors, and put in a bed. Here's me trying to make the best of it:

The nurse assigned to us was awesome and came in every now and again to tell us how wonderful and perfect everything looked on the monitors and how we had nothing at all to worry about. About an hour later, the monitoring was over and the midwife on call (Patti) came in to see us. Drew and I are really familiar with her and were relieved to see another friendly face. She told us that Griffin passed the NST with flying colors and that as scary as it is, 75% of women who get tested at the clinic get sent to the hospital for follow up for one reason or another. What a relief.

Since Patti knows us, she is totally down with my birth plan. She said that if there was any indication at all that something required our immediate attention, she would be honest with us, but since Griffin is so healthy and happy, she actually counseled against induction just yet. He is still totally within the normal birth range and she still thinks he could show up at his own pace. She checked me for dilation and effacement and found that I was about 1 cm dilated (a small amount, but more than last week!) and 75% effaced. She also said that she could see from the monitoring that I've been having some small contractions!! All such positive news! So she actually stripped my membranes while we were there (a simple procedure where she quickly separated the membranes of the amniotic sac from the wall of my uterus with her finger) the hope is that it could stimulate labor very soon.

So now we're hoping that Griffin comes on his own within the next few days. We will go in for another routine NST on Friday. As long as everything still looks good then, we will allow him to go through the weekend. Since babies cant go past 42 weeks though, his deadline is Monday. If my stubborn son doesn't show up by then, we will have an induction for that day. I'm actually 100% ok with that. I'd MUCH rather him come on his own, but I'm also not willing to put him in danger. As long as I feel like I have done my very best to leave it to nature, I think I have done my part. And induction has many phases so it's possible we could still make the best of that too. I am really excited- one way or another, we'll be meeting our baby within the next 5 days!

The funniest part of the day was finding out that I converted my husband into a hippie like me! He started out being VERY distrustful of the midwives, calling them "wizards", and being very vocal about the fact that he'd rather have me see a doctor. After all of our experiences, meeting them all, and seeing the care I've been getting though, Drew ADORES the midwives. He actually told me today that he had to admit he thought I made the best possible decision and that he was nervous about Friday's appointment because no midwives were available and I'd have to see an OB! Our learning and growing process together throughout the pregnancy has been incredible and it's so amazing having him be so very supportive of me and what I want out of the birth process for Griffin. Today he told me that he's Coach Keefer and he's on Team Jess! Doesn't get better than that!

41 weeks

Are you f*ing kidding me, Griffin? Well, now you've done it. You've driven your parents completely crazy.

making his momma look like a fool

Yeah, ok, I was wrong. I obviously did NOT go into labor over the weekend. I think I was just at the point where I thought "we've been at this so long. It HAS to happen now, right?" I guess not. He's 5 days past his due date today and still not so much as a cramp. Serves me right for making predictions and trying to call the shots- he showed me! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged. As much as I know this is normal, I am tired of waiting and, honestly, I am just plain tired.

Speaking of which, I didn't go to work today. We got our first significant snowfall of the season (about 6-8 inches or so) and while it was beautiful and made me happy, the roads still looked ugly when Drew left for work this morning. He practically begged me to stay at home, not liking the idea of his 10 month pregnant wife driving all the way to work in poor conditions, especially if it meant having to turn around again if I did (magically) go into labor. I fought him on it at first, but last night was another night of insomnia and I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep on top of the fact that I've had a cough I just can't shake so I gave in. It was probably for the best- I got a good nap in and did some chores- but honestly, I need more than that to keep me occupied. Without Drew home and without me being at work, I spent most of the day thinking about how I'm STILL pregnant, and how uncomfortable that is, and how much I want to see my baby, and how terrified I am of the possibility of induction.

BUT, there is still plenty of time. We wouldn't even consider induction until the 17th or so unless something seems funky on his ultrasound on Wednesday. And he could be plotting his escape as we speak. If he wanted to show up tomorrow, I wouldn't mind. 1/11/11 WOULD be a sweet birthday!!

In the meantime, I've been cooking and baking to keep myself busy. I made a loaf of AMAZING whole wheat bread last night. I've got a round steak with creamy mushroom onion gravy in the crock pot. I'm making cinnamon raisin bread tonight for tomorrow's breakfast, and I'm contemplating making a chocolate cake to satisfy my pregnancy-driven sweet tooth. We'll see if I get that far.

Everyone cross their fingers on Griffin showing up REALLY soon!

the makings of an incredible weekend

I am convinced Griffin will be born tomorrow. I have no concrete evidence to support that, other than a gut feeling that this is bound to be an incredible weekend. I'm sure I'm just setting myself up for more disappointment as we launch into another work week on Monday, but I am holding on to the hope.

It has already started out really well though. On Thursday one of my former classmates brought me a HUGE bag of brand new baby gear. She used to be in baby accessory design so I'm completely stocked up on shoes, socks, bathing suits, sunglasses, even soft covers to go over car seat straps. It was really, really thoughtful of her. Then later that afternoon my boss bought me a chocolate milkshake. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but for some reason it was EXACTLY what I needed at that moment- I was hot, tired, irritable (and, oddly, craving chocolate) so it was perfect! Not to mention a really nice gesture on the part of my boss!

Last night Drew and I went out for what could potentially be our last date night in a REALLY long time! We went out to dinner (I ate really spicy Chinese food in hopes of getting this labor going!) and then we went to see a movie (True Grit). We had a blast and stayed out way later than we're used to these days. For some reason I got the giggles on the way home and was so hysterical I could barely breathe. I think that amped me up even more because I couldn't fall asleep until well after midnight!

This morning Drew and I laid around in bed until almost 9 am which is nearly unheard of for us and felt absolutely luxurious. Then, the day took what could have been a turn for the worse. On our way back from some errands, we noticed the car making some really crazy sounds. I panicked- the last thing we need right now are major car repairs. So we dropped it off with our local mechanic (who I adore, by the way) and when he called a few hours later it was to say that it was a really simple fix (apparently part of the plastic undercarriage had pulled away & was rubbing against the tire) and that he took care of it for free! Hooray! So things are definitely looking up! Later on I'm going to experiment with some new kinds of bread in the bread maker and Drew and I are planning on taking a long walk in hopes of getting Griffin to come out and to enjoy the beautiful weather. Currently, I'm drinking raspberry leaf tea and enjoying my couch. But mostly we're just relaxed and happy and REALLY excited about what the next few hours (or days) hold!

Hey, Griffin! Did you get the memo? It's your due date!

So today is Griffin's due date and apparently no one has told him that he should work on packing his bags and traveling to the outside. The day has come and (pretty much) gone with nary a twinge. I even ate super spicy tacos for dinner to try to encourage his exit, and nothing. So I followed that up with my weight in cookies too make myself feel better.

I had my 40 week midwife appointment today and there was bad news and good news. The bad news is we went ahead and checked for dilation and effacement and I am not dilated AT ALL. I was very disappointed. Granted, dilation is one of those things that could happen out of nowhere, but it still seemed like one more sign that Griffin is taking his sweet old time. The good news is that I am partially effaced, Griffin's position is perfect, and I have lost 2 pounds since last week which is, apparently, really common in women at the very end of their pregnancies. Basically, it could still happen any day. My next appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday (the 12th- which sounds CRAZY) and if I am still pregnant by then, we will have an ultrasound to make sure my womb is still "hospitable" and that he's ok... and following that we'd have to start discussing induction. She seems to think I wont make it to that appointment though and I sure hope not too. Fingers crossed!

I have to keep in mind that even though its disappointing he's not here yet, it's also not abnormal! Babies take up to 42 weeks to come to term! The due date is just an average! The midwife said today that everything is 100% perfect. I'm trusting her! As long as he stays healthy and I don't have to be induced, I'm happy. I'm just SO ready to meet him now!

40 weeks (and how Jess catches a break)

This has been a rough couple of days already. We're at 40 weeks and Griffin hasn't shown a single sign that he intends to emerge. This has left me INCREDIBLY exhausted- both from the fact that I'm carrying a rather large child around my waist 24 hours a day and the fact that general discomfort has prevented me from sleeping for more than a few hours a night. Work has been stressful too as I came back from break to a huge deadline, several projects, (and 240 e-mails in my inbox). Then, on top of everything else, our washer and dryer died (just as we're expecting a poopy newborn). I may have had a minor panic attack about it all this morning.

I sent Drew out this morning with a certain budget to try and find a good deal on dryers. Since we're about to drop a LOT of money on our labor and delivery co-pay followed immediately by an arm and a leg for daycare, I didnt think we could afford both appliances right now. When I came home from work today, Drew was tinkering in the basement and I found a beautiful matching Maytag washer and dryer! Apparently, Drew got a REALLY great deal on them, we had our Christmas Home Depot gift certificate from Uncle Rory and then Betsy contributed toward the washer as my birthday/ graduation present (thank you)! We've never had a brand new washer and dryer before so this was VERY exciting! In order to take advantage of the pricing while keeping it a surprise, Drew had to get rid of the old appliances and then get the new ones into the basement on his own. This was a huge process but luckily he found a very cool neighbor to help him out. By the time I got home, the washer was ready to go and the dryer just needed to have the electric cord installed. Awesome!!

Now, I say the dryer "just needed to have the electric cord installed", but what I should have said was "this was the moment I almost lost my husband" and was the most terrifying part of the day. Apparently brand new dryers have different possibilities as far as electric connections and you have to install the appropriate electric cord on your own. We've never done anything like that before and while it seemed rather simple, it meant going out to buy the right cord and then making sure we painstakingly followed the directions. (by the way- have I ever mentioned that my biggest fear in life is house fire??). When we were just about ready to install it, I was reading the directions for the fifth time while Drew without thinking decided he was going to "test" the cord we bought to make sure it was the right size/ prong shape by plugging it in to the mega-outlet before it was screwed into the dryer. All I saw was a white fireball out of the corner of my eye and Drew jump away as he basically created a live wire. I don't know how he managed to avoid severe injury (and death to tell you the truth) but for a split second I saw Drew's life flash before my eyes. Drew's hair was standing on end and his fingers tingled. And then, of course, I burst into tears. He actually semi-melted the wire so we needed to buy a new one. I spent the rest of the process freaking out and was not able to relax until I saw the finished product with my own eyes. The dryer does work (I have my first load of dry clothes to prove it), the house did not catch on fire, and my wonderful husband is still alive (thank god). So Drew's near death experience aside, it was a wonderful surprise and will actually make the coming months much easier!

I have our 40 week appointment with the midwife tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be good news & I'll find out Griffin will be coming soon!