in loving memory

Today we are officially at 22 weeks. Normally I'd write more about that, but today it isn't really appropriate. My Aunt Diane passed away yesterday. My heart is broken.

I didn't really mention her fight with cancer on this blog for a few reasons. Mostly, if she was reading, I didn't want her to have to think about it. I was hoping that if she followed the blog, it would be more of a respite for her. I think in some ways, I was also being naive and I was hoping that the less I thought of it myself, the less real the situation actually was. Knowing she was sick didn't make her death any less of a shock to me though. Or any less painful. She was diagnosed with cancer a month ago and now she is gone.

If you met her, you fell in love with her. And if you didn't get a chance to meet her, I am sorry. She was one of those rare lights that shine in life. One of those people that effortlessly makes you feel good, comfortable, or special. She spent 32 years making me feel like I was a million bucks.

So I'll take you back with me.

Legend has it that at nine months old, my very first words were Aunt Diane. It became a family joke, but honestly, if it IS true I wouldn't be surprised. I always thought she was so cool, so pretty, so funny. I wanted to be exactly like her. Our families were very close. I remember following her around at all of our family get togethers from the time I was tiny- trying to make her laugh or telling her stories. The really unique thing about her was that unlike most adults, she never seemed disinterested or annoyed. She always seemed genuinely glad to have me around.

Diane connected with people. She could have just met you and she'd make you feel like part of the family. She had such an easy way with anyone- and she was always laughing. Everyone in town knew her. I'll never forget transferring to Chardon and finding out that half the kids knew who she was- and thought she was awesome.
She was nothing if not blunt and direct. But on her, somehow, it was charming and hilarious. In some ways, she was almost like a big sister to me. In 7th grade, while wearing the above Christmas Ornament Earrings, she said "I love your style, Jess. I can always count on you to be tacky". On my 16th birthday, she took me for a walk and told me that is was the PERFECT time to ask my parents for a credit card. When I transferred to Chardon High School my junior year, she suggested that I just start dating the kicker of the football team because he was cute & had a nice butt. And when I stopped in to see her at work once after I graduated from college she said "Is that eyeliner? Because it makes you look like a slut". If you knew her, you'd know that ALL of those things were said (at least mostly) in jest, and definitely out of love.

Blunt and direct wasn't always funny with her though. Especially when it came to her three boys. My aunt loved them fiercely and she'd defend them with every fiber of her being. I remember so many stories where she would go marching up to one of their various schools to give them a piece of her mind when she thought they weren't being treated fairly. We joked about it because of how MANY times she had to march up there... but honestly, I respect it. Her boys were her life. For as much as she made me feel needed and loved and wonderful, she was that times a million for her kids. And they adore her more than I can ever explain. I desperately HOPE to be that powerful of a mother and to have that type of bond with my son. It is a level I will always compare myself to.

My aunt, mom, and their other close friends had a ball together and I loved sitting in on their conversations. Getting the group of them in one room was like being at a high school sleepover- so much laughing, talking and fun. They'd go on trips together at least once a summer as we were growing up. They would always joke that I could be part of it one day when I was "old enough". They found it hilarious as the bar was set ever higher from 18, to 21, to when I got married, to when I finally had my own child. I always joked back that I had better things to do then hang out with a group of old broads anyway and I made fun of their antiquing and lame dancing to Love Shack. But secretly, I couldnt WAIT to be part of their group. To be full fledged "one of them". Now I'll never really get the chance.

Once I grew up and moved away, Diane and I didn't see each other that often, but we still kept in touch. We'd call each other occasionally, or I'd send her a letter. But when we did talk, it was like no time had ever passed- like I had just seen her yesterday. She'd talk to me casually and easily about the family or about work or about life in general. She made me feel like I was her peer. She genuinely valued my stories, input and opinions. I think my relationship with her is one of the things that allowed me begin to gain confidence in myself. I loved her more than anything, looked up to her, adored her- and she respected me, made me feel heard. I can never thank her enough for that.

She was also remarkably artistic and crafty. She knitted, sewed, painted, decoupaged, she even made porcelain dolls. One of my very favorite things was looking forward to her hand made Christmas gifts. Every gift was unique, beautiful and cherished. One year she hand painted a set of ornaments for us. One year she felted me an awesome purse. Last year she knitted us both hats. These are things I will keep for the rest of my life. They are the essence of who she was.

Aunt Diane couldn't wait for us to have kids. She was the only one who asked about it (and did so every time we talked). When I finally got pregnant, she was beside herself with excitement. We only had a few weeks between when I got to see her in June and told her the news, and when she was diagnosed with cancer. But even when she was in the hospital getting treatments, she was busy knitting a hat for the baby. My dad brought it home with him after getting a chance to see her last week. The hat is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She couldn't wait until I found out if I was having a boy or a girl because she really wanted to get started on a receiving blanket. All throughout the last month we texted each other constantly. I tried to keep her mind off of the illness as best I could. I was finally able to tell her on Thursday that we were having a boy. She said she thought boys were wonderful and so much fun. And she knew exactly what she was going to knit. She passed away 4 days later.

The morning that she died, before I even knew it was happening, I layed in bed a bit longer than usual. Griffin was really energetic and was moving around constantly. I remember thinking how different it was for him- who usually doesnt get going until mid-morning and even then its usually only a poke here or there. Now that I know what happened, I wonder if she had made a stop here to see him. If she was making him feel loved and special. And if he was laughing.

I always thought I'd have you for advice. That you'd know my son inside and out like you knew me. It kills me that he will never know you, your humor and wisdom. Here I am at 22 weeks. Its the roundest I've looked yet. This picture is for you, Aunt Diane. I miss you so much already.

Wild Thing, you make my heart sing...

I think the picture above was the baby looking "pensive". "Should I tell them...?"

Thursday was our 21 week ultrasound. Big news- our little monster is a SON! Munchkin Keefer is officially Griffin. We are simply ecstatic.

So let me back up a bit and give you the whole story. We were both so excited the night before the exam that we could barely sleep. Griffin (who was then just "baby") must have felt the same thing as he spent hours tap dancing on my innards. Once we got to the clinic though, the process was less than smooth. First, our chart got mixed up with someone else's so we ended up in an unfamiliar room with a new ultrasound tech. Not a huge deal, but I really like our usual tech so I was feeling just a tiny bit nervous. Then the ultrasound machine went on the fritz. It shut itself off at least twice which our (unfamiliar) tech explained NEVER happens. When we were finally up and running, "the baby" spent most of his time facing my back making it difficult to see him from the right angles. The tech had to jostle the poor kid around a bit to get him to cooperate. I think it was in the midst of this jostling that our tech told us we were having a girl! She showed us the little butt cheeks & said that if it was a boy, there would be "something else there". We were both happy, Drew a little less so, but we sort of quietly processed our news. Something was nagging at me though. The tech had moved on & was examining other parts but for some reason I was just not convinced. I asked if she was 100% POSITIVE it was a girl. Not that we didn't believe her, but that I had heard stories of "false positives". The tech assured me that they had an excellent track record and that she had never made a mistake like that before, but just in case she would check. She rolled the scanner over me again and then whispered "ohhhh. my. god." So, as it turns out, there WAS "something else there". Yep, our little boy spent about 5 minutes as our little girl. The tech apologized profusely and was horribly embarrassed. Drew was too excited to be upset and I know how difficult her job must be so I couldn't fault her either. It was quite a roller coaster ride and I'll admit that for a few minutes I wasn't sure what I felt. But here's what I know now:

I am head over heels in love with my son. And this is EXACTLY the way it was meant to happen.

I mean, look at this kid. He is flashing a PEACE SIGN. IN UTERO. This is after a thumbs up & a fist pump at 12 weeks. He's a bad ass already! The more I think about it, the more excited I get. I always wanted to raise boys and here is my chance. It's going to be so much fun- I can hardly wait.

Since Thursday we've been busily planning as much as we can and I think we have the nursery figured out! I found this AWESOME poster for like $8 at Hobby Lobby. I fell in love with the colors so I'm basing the nursery around that- burnt oranges, mossy greens, tealy blues & brown shades. I also like the fact that the poster has letters & numbers without being really baby like ABCs & 123s. We got some paint chips today (various blues & greens in a no VOC brand- I'm such a good mom) and we'll pick a color soon. Then we did some registering at Babies-R-Us and while we were there, found this bedding WAY on clearance- and it's PERFECT! I love that the colors are all muted versions of what is in the poster- and the occasional grasshopper gives it just the teeny bit of whimsy in what will otherwise be not the most baby-ish of all nurseries.

So "baby" is our son, my tiny monster boy, Griffin. And he is already getting a fun space of his own.

whoa...we're half way there...whoooooah living on a prayer...

We're officially 20 weeks today- that means half way! I know the ride is far from over, but in so many ways I feel like it just started and its crazy that we're this far! Just 20 more weeks (or less!) and I will be able to hold my baby in my arms. I get more and more excited every day. I cant wait to meet this little person! I have so much fun daydreaming about everything- from our first glimpse of him or her to their first day of college. So much possibility! It's amazing and daunting. And I love it. I cant wait to be a tiny family!

In slightly scary news, I've had some minor spotting over the past week or so. The doctor doesn't seem overly concerned about it and seems to think I can wait until my next appointment to come in. I'm not overly concerned either especially since Munchkin Keefer has been continuously kicking me to say hello! The nurses told me to take it easy just in case- no lifting, strenuous exercise, etc. I took full advantage of that this weekend and didn't move from the couch very much. It was the first time I relaxed like that in as long as I can remember- and I needed it. Other than that, I feel great. My energy is up, I am healthy and happy, and I adore my growing belly. Well... I feel great other than the fact that I gave myself a black eye today. You can kind of see it in the more close up version of my 20 week picture. I accidentally ran into a filing hutch that was left open near my cubicle this afternoon. I nearly knocked myself out! It's still slightly tender, but I think my ego was bruised more than anything. :)
Next week we will have our big ultrasound where we will be able to find out gender. I am beside myself. It will be so awesome to finally know who I am talking to and call him/her by name! And to be able to actually plan the nursery! (and maybe buy some of those adorable clothes I keep seeing places). More than anything though, I cant wait to tell my family. They are on the edge of their seats! (though, according to my brother, it's so that he knows whether he should be buying the child a samurai sword or throwing stars...) And then we will no longer have to address the baby by the following monikers:

1. "the baby"
2. Munchkin
3. Tadpole
4. Tondolayo Jr.
5. Strawberry
6. Kermit

Work and school have slowed down so I am hoping to focus on me and the baby for the rest of the summer. It may just be a few weeks, but I'm going to savor it!

I joined a community mom's group a few weeks ago and it is AMAZING! Here is a news story about it that ran in 5280 quite a while back: http://www.5280.com/issues/2008/0805/feature.php?pageID=1118 . It offers options such as play dates and book clubs which I may get into more when the baby is born. But in the meantime, it has an awesome members-only website where I can search for advice on everything from which daycares are good to whether certain diapers leak. They also have a classifieds section very similar to Craigs List- but better because everyone listed is in my neighborhood (and somehow seem less shady)! It has made me feel much less alone in this process... and like I have a place to go for local parenting advice. I'm so glad I found it!

becoming a better person

It feels like a lot has been going on lately. I'm coming up on August commencement which is a stressful time at work. I'm also taking two classes (meeting 3 days a week), one of which is for my capstone project. Then there is my life in between- the vet appointments we've been running Gabe to, the housework, our social lives. Not to mention some personal issues we've both been dealing with. It's been one of the most difficult times I can remember. But here is the weird thing-

I think this baby is giving me strength!

Now, I am a rather emotional person by nature. And I'm pregnant. Supposedly those hormones create the perfect storm of anger and tears. I think I may have had a bit of that early on. But then, out of nowhere, I became more stable than I've ever been in my life. Instead of freaking out over the past few months, I've been clear headed. I've managed. I've felt ridiculously strong. That doesnt mean I havent cried- I certainly have. But believe me when I say that those tears were warranted. And when it was time to stop, I stopped.

It is one more thing that makes me believe that pregnancy is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. And I am more positive now than ever that my child is perfect! He or she is already making me a better person!

Luckily, after this week, work and school will be far less demanding. And I started a yoga regimen tonight that has already massively relieved the stress I was carrying around in my neck and shoulders.

In more exciting news, I felt kicking for the first time this weekend! I wondered if I would know it when it first started happening and there was no mistaking it! We were at Invesco Field for Bronco training camp. The crowd just got done screaming and stomping... and then, there was this little poking into my abdomen. Well hello, Munchkin Keefer!! Drew insists it means that the baby is a Broncos fan. Aunt Diane thinks it means the baby is a Browns fan & wanted to get the hell out of there. I'm hoping my child is just as disinterested in football as I am. :)

I'll leave you with this: Drew doesnt notice my stomach changing much. Its rare he ever comments on it. The other day I was leaving the house in a dress I havent worn in awhile. He stopped me and said "wow- your stomach is really growing!" then he ran over, bent down & said directly into my bump "you look cute today, baby!" I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.

Like Sands through the Hourglass...(aka my 18 week update)

I really can't believe how fast this is going. 18 weeks already?!? And we literally have nothing done/ planned/figured out. NOTHING. I DID spend the better part of an evening this week pouring over crib bedding. That was productive, right?

I made Drew take my picture (as I do every two weeks). He was every bit excited about it as ever (which is not very). But I am really impressed with my shape! I'm getting so much rounder and bigger! I adore it and I'll bring it up to anyone who sees me. No one is nearly as excited as I am, likely because they see me every day, and I usually get the same response ("Yep! You're still pregnant!") I guess it's just interesting to me watching my body grow- knowing whats going on in there- it's just amazing, miraculous, WAY cool.

Drew isn't uninterested in the pregnancy though. I read that starting around 16 weeks the baby can hear and will start to recognize sounds and songs. Drew immediately started playing the Ohio State fight song and AC-DC with the ipod resting directly on my stomach. Drew is determined that the baby will a) be a giant Buckeye fan and will also b) be a badass. He also dragged escorted me to Broncos training camp on Sunday. Drew was really excited about it and kept talking about how it was the baby's first football experience. It was actually pretty cute, even if getting up that early (6:15 on a weekend) required a nap later. We were briefly on the news though! This is a blurry still from it but I think it looks like my pregnant stomach is all the way up to my neck.I got the result of the second half of our sequential screen today. Everything is normal which means no increased risk of down syndrome, trisomy 18, open spine defects, and some other serious issues. I wasn't necessarily worried abut those things, but the news is definitely good to hear and brings a sense of relief. It has been so wonderful for me to know that after our initial scare early on, everything has been progressing well. The baby and I have both been really healthy and happy so far. I think I really need this feeling of contentment now, in at least this area of my life, since there are currently so many big stresses in other areas.

One stress (albeit minor) is that of daycare. We have determined that we really can't afford for either of us to stay home, and it's important to me that I continue my career anyway. In home care makes me nervous because generally they are unlicensed and unmonitored, and if the caregiver needs to take a sick or vacation day then it means that we would have to completely reschedule our lives. So we've decided to use a daycare center, though as of yet, we don't have a place reserved or picked out. We toured our first one a few weeks ago and it was ok. It was the cheapest one we've found (though at $850/mo, it cant really be considered cheap) and it's literally 3 houses away, so its VERY convenient. It's okay. It was clean and the staff was nice. There were a few things I didn't necessarily like, but it didn't scare me. I mostly just found it depressing- sort of like a nursing home. And so I've been struggling with the notion of sending my child away to spend their days with someone else ever since. I know I will get over it, everyone does. But right now childcare in general is not a pleasant thought.