To My Son on New Year's Eve

Dear Griffin,

Here we are on the cusp of a new decade. New Year's Eve has always been one of my favorite holidays- not for the parties, but for the emotions involved in it. There is so much hope, excitement, and possibility. This is a time when people view themselves in new ways, make fresh starts, and dream big. I am overcome by those sentiments and many more this year especially, because not only are we beginning a new year, but you will be joining us very soon- in just a few hours, days, or weeks. Your dad and I can't put our excitement into words. The anticipation of your arrival has been like a New Years in of itself. I stand in your nursery, that your dad and I designed together, and imagine you and all your wonder and potential. I can't wait to meet you and then find out who you will be.

You should know that we dreamed of you long before we knew you. I remember conversations your dad and I would have when we were newly dating when we would talk about the importance of family and how badly we both wanted to be parents one day. The longer we spent together, the stronger our relationship became and we knew that making us into a family would be the most beautiful thing we would ever do. We were so excited to share our love with our babies. Making that happen turned out to be a bit harder than we anticipated and it was occasionally stressful. Sometimes I'd get sad and scared and in self defense I would pretend that maybe I didn't need kids after all. I was always lying to myself and your dad knew it. He'd remind me of what our dreams were, who we were together and he'd tell me it would work out. He was right (as he occasionally tends to be, even if I wont admit it) and the day we found out you were coming was literally the happiest day of our lives. We then went from dreaming ambiguously of a family to dreaming specifically of you.

Even without meeting you, your dad and I have already fallen in love with you. Everything you do makes our hearts melt. The first time I ever saw your little body on the ultrasound I thought you were the most incredible thing I had ever seen. You were just a bean with a big head and a steady heartbeat, but I thought you were so beautiful that I cried. The first time you ever kicked, we were at Invesco Field watching the Broncos and your dad was so excited thinking it was a sign that you'll be a fan like he is. But that couldn't beat the first time he ever felt you kick. He had his hand on my belly and then you moved with all the force I've come to expect from you. He actually jumped back a little, he was so impressed. And you should have seen his face! Since then he's felt you kick a million times (though I get to feel you squirming constantly) and each time he tells me how much he loves his boy and how he cant wait to meet you.

For me, nearing the end of the pregnancy has been a bit bittersweet. Of course I cant wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. But this journey has been such an incredible one, one that you and I have quietly spent together. I have loved getting to know you over the past several months. I think it's so cool that I know you sleep in late (you usually don't start kicking until 9 am or so) but that you like to dance in the early evening. I think it's funny that you will roll and kick and twirl until someone else puts their hand on my stomach and then you freeze. I have adored being able to be selfish with our time. Pretty soon I will have to share you with the world, and while that is how it is meant to be, I will miss you so much.

I want you to know that you should dream big. Don't be afraid to take chances. Don't let anyone- especially us- tell you that what you want for your life isn't possible. Your dad and I will always want you to be happy, safe, and supported and we will do everything in our power to make sure you always feel that way. You are full of incredible potential and no matter who you end up being, you will be a very special distinct individual. Sometimes we will have to say no, sometimes we will make you angry. That is natural, even if it feels bad at the time, and it is only because we do want you to be safe, and we do want to help guide you on your path. Sometimes we will make mistakes, because even your dad and I are only human, and I hope you will forgive us and remember just how much you are wanted and loved.

We are bringing you into a world that is scary and awe inspiring all at once. We are still picking up the pieces of a war that should have ended years ago. Social injustices are committed every day, even here in America where people try to pretend that we are the moral heroes. Our food system is broken in an incredibly inhumane and non-sustainable way. Our government is split in such a way that we cant accomplish things like getting healthcare for all of our citizens. I hope those things sound crazy to you one day, but I apologize for the hand my generation has played in it even though many of the people your dad and I surround ourselves with are dreamers and change makers. At the same time, there is much in the world that I am proud of, that I can't wait for you to know. You will be born while our nation's first black president is in office. While I'm sad it took this long, it was a momentous time in history. Some people have been disappointed in him, but your dad and I still think that he is a good man with brilliant ideas who just needs to be given the opportunity to act. It will be interesting to see how you view him years from now. This is also an amazing time for technology and we are connected in ways that we never have been before. I hope that you are able to be close friends with your cousin William, or laugh face to face with your Uncle Brian, for example, because of it. And while there are still hateful people in the world, I truly believe that there are a vast many more with good hearts. People who want the best for the world. People who seek positive change on small and large scales. I know you will be one of them and I hope you will find many others as you grow up. I know that we will always have things to fear, but my hope is that the list grows ever smaller in your lifetime.

You, Griffin, are the most important person in our lives. On this New Years Eve, and always, your dad and I think about your potential, who you will be, which parts of you come from us and which parts are just purely you. Instead of resolutions, I am just going to try to be the best mama I can possibly be for you. I already have so many plans. We are so excited for what the future holds and we cant wait to share it with you. But before you change the world, you will be our amazing, beautiful, perfect baby and I promise you we will cherish those moments for ever and ever too.

Love,

mom

intense nest

I don't know if there is really a "nesting hormone" or if I've just been taking advantage of my time off, but the past week or so has been even busier for me than usual as far as getting the house clean and organized. I  went through old files in my office and literally recycled pounds of paper that I don't need anymore. We also had the carpets cleaned the other day and they've never looked better. Everything in Griffin's room has been washed, folded, and put in its place.  Then today was my big task- the kitchen! Our space in that room is VERY limited and I've been frustrated lately with things being difficult to access (i.e. on top of the cabinets) or hard to find (i.e. buried in the "catch all" drawer) so I decided to tackle it. I started by doing a big purge and getting rid of all the items I never use to donate to Goodwill. Then I took the items I rarely use (the blender, my tiny crock pot) and put them in a plastic tub to store in the basement. This didn't free up a TON of space, but I was able to move my KitchenAid mixer and family sized crockpot into more accessible places and the cabinets are more organized. The "catch all" drawer is also much emptier and easier to find things in so I'm feeling pretty good about that project. For the first time in years I feel like the kitchen makes some sense!

I had another midwife appointment yesterday and I met the last of the clinic's four midwives. This was good because they do rotations and if "our" midwife isn't available, it will be the midwife on call delivering Griffin- so I'm glad I'm now familiar with each of them! They're all incredible and I adore them all so luckily I will not be heartbroken regardless! Since I'm 39 weeks, she offered to check for dilation and effacement. My clinic's midwives don't generally do that before 39 weeks because even routine exams can sometimes disturb the body's natural processes, but at this stage, they present it as a choice. I decided against it this time, since technically Griffin is still on schedule- I'm just leaving him alone to do his thing. But if he still hasn't arrived by my next appointment (scheduled for his due date!) I might have them check then. The exciting news is that Griffin seems to have moved into proper birth position and is facing my back! He could always decide to turn again, but at least for right now I'm proud of his compliance.

Drew bought me a fun "how to care for baby" book for Christmas and in reading it, I found out that because newborns have a difficult time regulating their internal temperature, you're supposed to keep the house between 68 and 72 degrees at all times. I thought Drew would throw a party considering that I generally keep the thermostat at 65 when we're up and 58 when we're in bed, and he always complains that he's freezing. I must have finally gotten to him though (either that or he's already morphing into dad mode) because he was all irritated and started mumbling about all the extra money this is going to be costing us! Luckily we're on a set budget for our gas and electric so we likely wont see the increase until next year!

I finally packed my hospital bag so I think we're ready to go when the moment comes. I'm hoping that means that the next few days (if there is no impending labor) will be comfortable and relaxing. What an amazing way to cap off this decade. Happy New Year, everyone!

An Incredibly Merry Christmas

Drew and I have had an amazing weekend so far. We are both blissfully exhausted and I feel like I may actually be able to sleep through the night tonight. Now THAT is a great gift!

Drew was able to share Christmas face to face with several of his far away family members this year through video chat. We're so lucky that technology has come so far at a time when we live far away from home. It meant a lot to Drew and made him feel much more connected. It will continue to be a huge blessing once Griffin is born. Our loved ones will easily be able to get to know him and watch him grow!

Speaking of which, among other things, my parents got us a Flip video camera and a touchscreen digital camera for Christmas. They wanted to be sure that Griffin is well documented. We are feeling like quite the tech-savvy parents-to-be! They will be awesome to have- both for us, and for sharing all the cute things Griffin will surely do with our loved ones far and wide!

This has also been quite the culinary Christmas. I got several gifts that will make my life WAY easier (and healthy!) in the kitchen while also parenting a newborn. Betsy got me a sweet bread maker. I'm so excited to smell fresh bread baking this winter while I take care of my new son. Something seems incredibly homey about that. Drew also got me a really cool rice cooker/ vegetable steamer. It cooks several things at once and is programmable so I can just stick ingredients in, flip it on, and dinner is DONE! The thought he put into that was beyond sweet.

Griffin even got a few gifts from family members without his even being here yet! It really moves me to see how loved he is already. He will be well dressed, well stocked, and will have plenty to keep him entertained for a long time to come. It makes us feel as prepared as we can possibly be!

Overall, we feel spoiled and adored by each other and by both of our families. We are incredibly lucky- and I am honest when I say it is not something we take for granted. I can't wait for Griffin to get to know and love everyone that surrounds us the way we do.

And the best gift of all is still on his way! Any day now, baby boy!

and now the festivities can begin!

I had my weekly appointment with the midwife today and things continue to be wonderful! I haven't gained any weight in two weeks (which is nothing short of a miracle given the number of holiday treats I've consumed lately). She actually said that is totally normal- most women's weight gain either significantly slows down or stops entirely towards the end of the pregnancy. She also said that what matters is not the weight you gain from week to week, but the total amount you gain over time, and that I am exactly where they want to see me! Griffin  is getting bigger though (right on target for his age) and his heartbeat continues to be strong! Griffin also seems to be "engaged", or dropped into my pelvis in preparation for birth. Unfortunately he's still not facing my back like he should be. Instead he's just flipped to the other side (and is facing my left) so I'll have to continue the exercises! I am now on a regimen of raspberry leaf tea 3 times a day. It is completely safe for babies after 37 weeks and it helps prepare women for labor by strengthening the uterus and ripening the cervix. I'll take every little bit of help I can get!

This was a really amazing week at work. I was insanely busy, but I feel so accomplished. I finished as much as I could prior to going on vacation since I'm not clear if I'll actually be back before spring! I don't think my desk has looked so good since I started my job. While the prospect of having others do my work for 3 months makes me a bit nervous (I'm not sure what to expect when I return!), I can feel good knowing that I left things organized and without too many loose ends! I should go on maternity leave more often!

Tomorrow is one of my favorite days of the year! Christmas Eve is always so magical & captures the entire holiday season for me. Drew and I have a Christmas Eve tradition of having a fancy candlelit dinner at Marlowe's downtown before walking across the 16th Street Mall to enjoy the holiday lights and see a Christmas movie. We realized that this may be the last time for quite awhile that we'll be able to do that so I plan to take full advantage. Then when we get home I'll get to crawl in bed and watch a Christmas Story! I've probably seen that movie a hundred times and it just never gets old. I love that I can turn it on at any point during the 24 hours it's on and pick up like I never left off. I hope Griffin loves it as much as I do one day!

Scarlett, Dog Psychic

If the dog is any indication, then I will be going into labor soon. Granted, "soon" is subjective, and we are talking about the actions of a hyper-sensitive, if not slightly neurotic cattle dog. But Scarlett knows something is up and she will NOT leave my side. She greets me at the door when I get home, hovers at my feet while I make dinner, tries to crawl in my lap while I fold laundry, and sleeps through the night curled into my side. She's being very protective and I have to believe that it's because Griffin is *fairly* imminent. Either that or she's just cold and she doesn't know how to tell me to buy her a sweater. Here she is barely visible over my enormous belly.

One of my friends told me the last month of pregnancy was the hardest. At the time I was only midway through the blissful second trimester and I didn't believe her. But MAN, was she right. The weight I am carrying around now winds me after the slightest bit of exercise. At the end of the day, my feet and back are throbbing. Every time I walk, Griffin's head bounces against my bladder. I can barely bend over at all and I am ALWAYS tired. I have constant heartburn and my hips feel like they're going to shatter. I think what makes it worse than the first trimester exhaustion is that the end is so close but so far away. He could be here tomorrow, yet he's being elusive. I want to allow him all the time he needs, but in the back of my head I'm thinking "but you ARE full term, sooo... any day now, buddy". It's still not HORRIBLE and I know I'm still very lucky compared to what a lot of women go through. I just know I have a really tough day ahead of me at some point soon and the longer this goes on, the bigger and more exhausted I get. I'll still find the strength when the time comes, it's just been easier to complain lately than usual. We're at 38 weeks on the nose today and the "typical" range for births is 38-42 weeks (with 40, or the due date, being the average). I'm hoping Scarlett is right on this one!

I figure the last few weeks are tough so that I don't miss him quite so much when he's born & not with me everywhere I go anymore. :)

Au Naturale

I had another conversation with someone yesterday who became horrified when they heard I was not planning on having an epidural during labor. While most people seem respectful of my decision, for some reason I have had to defend myself several times now to people who think that I don't understand the concept that it will be an extremely painful experience for which there is a "cure". I have no doubt that I will hurt in ways that I can't even conceive of- and I'm not looking forward to that. I think it is human nature to avoid pain and I certainly understand why many women choose to have epidurals. I am also not trying to be a "hero" or "prove" anything. Instead, I did a LOT of reading and research- on all sides of the issue. I weighed the pros and cons and I made the decision that for my own personal situation, it would be best for me and for Griffin if I avoided all medication and as much medical intervention as possible. It wasn't an easy decision or something I went into blindly. It is still occasionally scary. But the fact that my reasons for it are so important to me gives me a lot of confidence and strength. So here are a few of those reasons:

1. Epidurals completely numb you from approximately the breastbone down. The problem is, they do such a good job that it renders you unable to carry your own weight or walk. You are also attached to the epidural drip for the length of your need for medication. That is the nature of current epidurals- if there ever was, there is no longer any such thing as a "walking epidural". It is a proven fact that women should be as active as possible during their labors, with laying in bed being the very worst position you could be in. Walking, stretching, and light exercise all help speed up the labor process by allowing gravity to move the baby down and to allow your hips and pelvis to widen giving the baby an easier passage. It also naturally moves the baby into proper position if for some reason he is facing the wrong way or his head isn't in the best place to push forward.

2. Epidurals can actually slow or stop your natural labor progression and decrease the strength and frequency of your contractions. This usually begins a cycle of adding pitocin (or some other labor stimulant) to speed up the delivery (which then creates a need for higher dosages of the pain medication). The pitocin can also lead to harder and stronger contractions than the mother would naturally have which can lead to injuries to both the mother and baby during labor. This same cycle also leads to a much increased chance of needing assistance in the birth of the baby ranging anywhere from the use of forceps or vacuum to eventually needing a c-section.

3. Being completely numb means that you do not feel your contractions or the need to push in the same way. This means that you have to rely on medical personnel to tell you when to push, how hard, and for how long as opposed to just having the natural urge. This can lead to women bearing down harder and longer than the contraction actually calls for which has frequently led to injuries of the pelvic floor, extended urinary and rectal incontinence, unnecessary tears of the perineum, and fetal distress.

4. While labor (particularly transition) in general can lead to nausea, epidurals can create a significant drop in the mother's blood pressure which leads to an even higher risk of nausea and vomiting. That same drop in blood pressure also means that the baby must be continuously monitored to make sure they are getting proper blood flow.

5. Epidurals can create a "sleepy baby" being born. This slightly drugged state can lead to a problem in initial interest in breastfeeding and/ or inability to latch. The first attempts at breastfeeding (usually within the first hour of birth) have been shown to be the most important as far as creating the routine and this can lead to continued problems breastfeeding throughout infancy. It can also lead to despondency in general for the newborn preventing initial bonding.

6. Epidurals can slow or prevent some of the natural hormones the mother excretes following labor. This can lead to problems delivering the placenta, problems with milk coming in, and even decreased bonding. This change in natural hormone secretion can also lead to an increased chance of post-partum depression.

It is true that not every woman experiences these effects, or if they do, they may be worth it to them for the fact that they did not have to suffer. In some cases, women are so fearful of the pain or process that they would never be able to relax and focus on their labors otherwise, making being medicated far more humane and worth any risk. I respect the choices each individual mother makes because I am sure that they are made with the best of intentions for themselves and their babies. I am positive that no mother takes labor and delivery lightly. Again, this particular decision is mine. It doesn't mean that I think it is what everyone should do or that anyone else's decision is wrong. I personally do not believe that labor is an illness that needs to be treated and it was important to me to try to do my best to avoid the risks above as much as possible. I have every confidence in the world that left to its own devices, my body is equipped to birth my son with little if any assistance.

Drew and I have done a lot of reading and have attended classes regarding childbirth and pain management. We are not unprepared, naive, or going into it blindly. As painful as I know it will be, we are actually excited about the experience. We have also learned some meditation techniques that I believe have the ability to make the experience less painful in general. I will also be completely honest- and this may be the part that sounds crazy- I believe that this will actually be a spiritual experience for me. Everything Drew, Griffin and I have gone through together so far in the pregnancy and will go through together in the labor will culminate in the few short moments of birth and I want Griffin and I both to be fully present for that.

That being said, no two labor experiences are exactly the same and there is no way to predict how one will turn out. I am not so committed to my plan that I would risk the health or life of myself or my son- so if something came up that required medical intervention, I would ensure it was necessary and then go forward with it without any guilt.

So that is the relatively short version of how I got to where we are with the natural childbirth issue. Maybe next time someone says "you're joking, right?", "you know how painful that is?", "you're crazy", or "you dont have to prove anything to anyone" I will just refer them to this post.

Wish us luck in the coming weeks! :)

the countdown begins!

The University closes at noon tomorrow (likely in lieu of a holiday bonus) and my winter break starts on Christmas Eve. I just realized that depending on when Griffin shows up, I may only have 4 1/2 days of work left from now until the beginning of April! Its hard for me to imagine right now since work has been insanely busy and stressful lately. Its VERY exciting though!

The people at work have started a due date pool. Their guesses range from Christmas Day to January 11th! I'm getting to the point where I really hope it's sooner rather than later- I'm tired & swollen... but more than anything, I think we're both just excited and finally feel ready so the wait is getting harder and harder. Drew tells me almost every day how he wants his baby boy to be here now! Griffin can have the extra time if he needs it though... all I really care about is that he is healthy and he comes when he is ready!