To My Son on New Year's Eve

Dear Griffin,

Here we are on the cusp of a new decade. New Year's Eve has always been one of my favorite holidays- not for the parties, but for the emotions involved in it. There is so much hope, excitement, and possibility. This is a time when people view themselves in new ways, make fresh starts, and dream big. I am overcome by those sentiments and many more this year especially, because not only are we beginning a new year, but you will be joining us very soon- in just a few hours, days, or weeks. Your dad and I can't put our excitement into words. The anticipation of your arrival has been like a New Years in of itself. I stand in your nursery, that your dad and I designed together, and imagine you and all your wonder and potential. I can't wait to meet you and then find out who you will be.

You should know that we dreamed of you long before we knew you. I remember conversations your dad and I would have when we were newly dating when we would talk about the importance of family and how badly we both wanted to be parents one day. The longer we spent together, the stronger our relationship became and we knew that making us into a family would be the most beautiful thing we would ever do. We were so excited to share our love with our babies. Making that happen turned out to be a bit harder than we anticipated and it was occasionally stressful. Sometimes I'd get sad and scared and in self defense I would pretend that maybe I didn't need kids after all. I was always lying to myself and your dad knew it. He'd remind me of what our dreams were, who we were together and he'd tell me it would work out. He was right (as he occasionally tends to be, even if I wont admit it) and the day we found out you were coming was literally the happiest day of our lives. We then went from dreaming ambiguously of a family to dreaming specifically of you.

Even without meeting you, your dad and I have already fallen in love with you. Everything you do makes our hearts melt. The first time I ever saw your little body on the ultrasound I thought you were the most incredible thing I had ever seen. You were just a bean with a big head and a steady heartbeat, but I thought you were so beautiful that I cried. The first time you ever kicked, we were at Invesco Field watching the Broncos and your dad was so excited thinking it was a sign that you'll be a fan like he is. But that couldn't beat the first time he ever felt you kick. He had his hand on my belly and then you moved with all the force I've come to expect from you. He actually jumped back a little, he was so impressed. And you should have seen his face! Since then he's felt you kick a million times (though I get to feel you squirming constantly) and each time he tells me how much he loves his boy and how he cant wait to meet you.

For me, nearing the end of the pregnancy has been a bit bittersweet. Of course I cant wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. But this journey has been such an incredible one, one that you and I have quietly spent together. I have loved getting to know you over the past several months. I think it's so cool that I know you sleep in late (you usually don't start kicking until 9 am or so) but that you like to dance in the early evening. I think it's funny that you will roll and kick and twirl until someone else puts their hand on my stomach and then you freeze. I have adored being able to be selfish with our time. Pretty soon I will have to share you with the world, and while that is how it is meant to be, I will miss you so much.

I want you to know that you should dream big. Don't be afraid to take chances. Don't let anyone- especially us- tell you that what you want for your life isn't possible. Your dad and I will always want you to be happy, safe, and supported and we will do everything in our power to make sure you always feel that way. You are full of incredible potential and no matter who you end up being, you will be a very special distinct individual. Sometimes we will have to say no, sometimes we will make you angry. That is natural, even if it feels bad at the time, and it is only because we do want you to be safe, and we do want to help guide you on your path. Sometimes we will make mistakes, because even your dad and I are only human, and I hope you will forgive us and remember just how much you are wanted and loved.

We are bringing you into a world that is scary and awe inspiring all at once. We are still picking up the pieces of a war that should have ended years ago. Social injustices are committed every day, even here in America where people try to pretend that we are the moral heroes. Our food system is broken in an incredibly inhumane and non-sustainable way. Our government is split in such a way that we cant accomplish things like getting healthcare for all of our citizens. I hope those things sound crazy to you one day, but I apologize for the hand my generation has played in it even though many of the people your dad and I surround ourselves with are dreamers and change makers. At the same time, there is much in the world that I am proud of, that I can't wait for you to know. You will be born while our nation's first black president is in office. While I'm sad it took this long, it was a momentous time in history. Some people have been disappointed in him, but your dad and I still think that he is a good man with brilliant ideas who just needs to be given the opportunity to act. It will be interesting to see how you view him years from now. This is also an amazing time for technology and we are connected in ways that we never have been before. I hope that you are able to be close friends with your cousin William, or laugh face to face with your Uncle Brian, for example, because of it. And while there are still hateful people in the world, I truly believe that there are a vast many more with good hearts. People who want the best for the world. People who seek positive change on small and large scales. I know you will be one of them and I hope you will find many others as you grow up. I know that we will always have things to fear, but my hope is that the list grows ever smaller in your lifetime.

You, Griffin, are the most important person in our lives. On this New Years Eve, and always, your dad and I think about your potential, who you will be, which parts of you come from us and which parts are just purely you. Instead of resolutions, I am just going to try to be the best mama I can possibly be for you. I already have so many plans. We are so excited for what the future holds and we cant wait to share it with you. But before you change the world, you will be our amazing, beautiful, perfect baby and I promise you we will cherish those moments for ever and ever too.

Love,

mom