(F)amily

the birthday girl in her dress from Grammy!

Yesterday we had my parents over for dinner and to celebrate Evvie's birthday. Griffin was absolutely CRAZY the entire time, since his favorite thing on earth is to show off for family. This happens most often in person, of course, but also extends to FaceTime chats! Luckily BOTH grandmothers know the secret trick- reading him stories! Always tames the wild beast.

Evvie, on the other hand, is going through some stranger anxiety so she was a bit on edge every time my parents attempted to snuggle her (which is a shame since she's so awesome to snuggle). She warmed up toward the end of the night though- even giving them both kisses! Not sure if she just got more comfortable, or if it was a birthday cake induced high.

This weekend as we were lazing around watching tv, Griffin rolled over, gave me a huge hug, and said "I love my family. I have the best family in the entire world." It's true, kiddo. We do.

(E)-Days

E-Days (short for Engineering Days) is an annual tradition at the Colorado School of Mines. For more than 80 years, students have spent 3 days each spring celebrating all things Mines. A bit of debauchery is involved too- it IS a college after all. But our students are such an amazing group of dedicated and respectful people, that this time of year is literally the only time we realize students live in our neighborhood.

Today the family and I headed to campus to take part. The kids both sported their CSM gear, of course:

We watched some students play ultimate frisbee and lacrosse, and we walked around campus. Griffin thought the sports were REALLY cool. Then we went down to Clear Creek for the Cardboard Canoe Race. On the way there, we were talking to Griffin about seeing the boats and one of the students overheard and said "oh- you mean the drowning engineers event?" Well, sort of- but it's way more fun than that!

We watch cardboard canoe every year and it's so much fun. Thousands of people line the banks to cheer for the boats as they sail down. Most disintegrate within feet of the start (which is hilarious), but some of the sturdy ones last more than a mile!

Then we listened to a few members of the band play some fun songs- like the Star Wars theme, which Griffin LOVED. The student conducting them actually works in my office and is one of the nicest people I've ever met, so it was fun introducing him to the family!

And then, of course, we had typical playground/ chores/ dinner time.

As I type this, I am listening to 3Oh!3 playing live on campus. Apparently they have borrowed Red Rocks' sound system and the music makes it all the way up to our neighborhood! I will never forget bringing Evvie home from the hospital last year and listening to Awolnation play Sail live from our bedroom. The fireworks will start in about an hour, and Drew and I plan to go watch from the front porch. What a great day.

Just one more little reason I'm in love with my job. The Mines community makes my whole family happy.

(D)evelopment

I try to participate in Student Affairs Chat every few weeks. It is a group of Student Affairs professionals from across the country that come together electronically to discuss various issues and current topics in the field of Higher Education. While I don't get to contribute as often as I like, I definitely consider participating in the conversation and catching up through the backchannel to be a form of professional development.

Coincidentally, yesterday's chat topic was professional development, and it made me think about all the ways I want to improve- not just as a practitioner, but as a person. One of my friends mentioned that she plans her professional development up to a couple of years ahead, and I was completely floored by the idea. I think I've lived all aspects of my life in crisis mode- basically handling things as they come. I'm lucky if I can plan a few weeks or months ahead! But I was also inspired.

So, in order to set a plan to improve myself or develop, I need to know what I'm developing! People can make positive changes in their lives, but those things don't generally happen without forethought. I decided to set a few short term goals- both personally and professionally, and figure out how to work toward them.

Professional

• increase support in the areas of gender and sexuality on campus, specifically that of our female and LBGTIQ populations
• increase support for students with mental illness on campus, including reducing the stigma, coordinating workshops, and making resources more visible
• improve my curriculum writing skills for our First Year Seminar. I think I have done a good job at providing useful and relevant material- now to figure out how best to apply it in the classroom.
• start a professional blog

Personal

• devote more time to my creative side
• make certain specific life changes so that I live closer to and truer to my ideals
• do a better job of making my friends and family feel loved and appreciated
• spend more alone time with each kid

Now I just need to tackle the how and then when. I finally broke down and bought an Erin Condren planner. I adore my outlook calendar and my iphone updates- but that really only works for immediate to-do items like meetings and appointments- they aren't as conducive to dreaming, doodling, jotting, developing, and life planning! I had been coveting one of these planners for months and since they just went on sale for 40% off... well, I just couldn't resist. 

I found this infographic a few months ago, and I think it is very applicable here (click to enlarge):

Moving forward, growth and developing is as much about giving up as it is about gaining. But I also love number 10, and that may be the most important reminder in all of this. Although I want to continue to improve myself, I need to also remember to live in the present. Goals are incredibly important- we would all be pretty awful people if we stayed stagnant- but we'll never have now ever again.

(C)ancer Sucks.

A few weeks ago, the son of one of my friends was raising money for St. Baldrick's- a charity that funds childhood cancer research. I happily donated- causes like that will always have my support, but I have to admit it was done sort of blindly.

I have lost very dear family members to cancer- most of us have, unfortunately. But I am incredibly lucky in that none of those people have been children. That reality is almost too dark to fathom, especially when I look at my own kids. It's easier to keep it at arm's length, pretend it's not as common as it is.

Through that fundraiser, however, I was introduced to the life of a little girl named Rebecca. I don't personally know her or her family, but they live in my old neighborhood and we have several friends in common. Rebecca is 5 and stunningly beautiful, smart, talented, and full of LIFE. And yet, was diagnosed with brain cancer last year. She had the tumor removed and went through aggressive chemotherapy with the hope that the cancer would never return. Unfortunately, just a few weeks ago she went in for a routine scan and they found another large mass with others forming. This time, they are unable to operate, and she doesn't qualify for any studies.

That's it.

I don't know Rebecca. I don't know her family. But I am heartbroken, sickened, miserable. I am overwhelmed by how unfair it is, I feel guilty for having such a comparably easy life, I feel terrified that it COULD happen to my own children. But more than anything, I feel so much love and compassion for this little girl. This perfect little girl who has barely had a chance to start living. And for her family who has been just unbelievably brave, who update their Facebook followers on a near daily basis, who make things as normal as possible for their daughter. I can't even begin to imagine their agony.

I check in on her updates every day hoping for a miracle, but worried for the worst. Right now she's not experiencing any symptoms, and she's living life. Her parents say that could change at any time, and from there she wont have long.

Cancer is ugly. It is unfair. It is painful for all involved. But childhood cancer is a different beast entirely. It is nearly evil in that it attacks our most precious assets.

Hug your children tight and show them just how loved they are. Treat every child you meet with kindness, even if they're not your own. And if you can, donate to one of the charities that hope to end this kind of suffering once and for all.

http://www.stbaldricks.org/
http://www.stjude.org/
http://www.chop.edu/service/oncology/pediatric-cancer-research
http://www.childrenscancer.org/

B is for Blog

Boy, has this space been neglected. It's really too bad considering how much happens around here in a single day... and a week? A week is like a lifetime. The kids are growing like weeds and learning new things all the time, Drew and I are continually improving our home, work grows ever more exciting (and challenging!), and life happens in between. Writing once a month has been a reprieve I needed, but it just wont do.

NaNoWriMo failed miserably for me this year, but I still like the idea of a push. This month begins the national A-Z Blogging Challenge. Each day (except Sunday) you are supposed to write a post using a theme based on each letter of the alphabet.

Yesterday I wrote my birthday letter to Evvie, so I would categorize that as A, for our AMAZING little girl. We'll see where the rest of the alphabet takes us!

To My Sweet Girl as You Turn One

all ready for school this morning. you're just so perfect.

Oh, Evvie. My perfect girl. How in the world is it possible that you're a year old already? I still remember the feel of you sleeping sweetly on my chest, blankets tucked up around us as the late spring snows came and went. Your tiny body perfectly still, your sweet breath puffing onto my shoulder, your soft wispy hair tickling my chin. I miss those days and weeks, but they're so clear and present in my mind... a year ago? Really?

My precious light- straddling that thin golden thread between baby and toddler. So much more than an infant, yet I still want nothing more than to cradle and rock you. You're our second baby, our last baby... and you're barely a baby anymore. It breaks my heart- I just cant believe how the time has sped by. You were born, I fell in love with you, I blink my eyes, and you're trying to walk and talk, feed yourself, play. I'm so proud of you. I am in utter awe of this amazing person and great beauty you've become. And yet my empty chest aches in the same place you used to curl up and sleep.

Today we celebrated by waking you up early with songs and pancakes. You wore your fancy new outfit, complete with coordinating headband, and you looked like such a big girl. For a few brief seconds I could see the young lady you will become. Your tshirt says "lovely" and oh, are you ever. You always will be. I had to take you to school but your teachers fawned all over you for a few hours before daddy picked you up super early. You got to have a whole day of just Evvie time at home- something you've never actually gotten to have! Daddy played with you and gave you what he describes as a "princess bath" which apparently means deep water and tons of bubbles. Sounds dangerous, but you adored it! I came home for lunch and we opened presents with you. We wanted you to have time to enjoy them on your own before your big brother could take over.  You got lots of hugs and kisses, tons of toys (including the flashlight Griffin picked out just for you), and a HUGE cupcake to top it all off. After your story tonight, you collapsed into bed. I think the day was a success.

One year in and I can already see just how different you and Griffin are. You're both incredible, and having you both in my life adds so much humor and beauty. I love you equally and I am so thankful for the experience I have in raising you, both individually, and as a pair. You, like Griffin, are so uniquely yourself. You're easygoing, quiet, and even tempered. You sleep like a rock- for 12 hours a night! Daddy and I can NEVER thank you enough for that. You're already so loving, complete with pats on our faces, huge hugs, and big kisses, all given on your own. And you're so smart. Amazingly smart! You got a little tea set for your birthday today, and after "pouring" yourself a cup, you kept pretending to take a sip! You love to laugh (especially at your brother) and once you get giggling, you can keep going until you're short on breath. And even as little as you are, there is a grace about you- from the way you hold your hand up in front of you when we carry you around, to the way you smile demurely when you meet someone new.

One year in and you've got seven teeth, blonde silky hair that is forming ringlets in the back, and you try to repeat words I tell you like "dog" and "bottle". You stand on your own and you'll be walking any day. You love table food, but especially crackers. You HATE baby food with a white hot hate, and you try to smack the spoon out of our hands if we dare try to feed you. You love us all, but most especially your brother. And he adores you too. Your relationship makes your daddy and I feel thankful every day.

Like Griffin, you have an array of nicknames. We call you Evvie Lou (because your teachers think you look like Cindy Lou Who!), Princess Pea, Sweet Girl, and Matilda. Griffin still occasionally calls you Little Feets and daddy calls you Evvie Mae. Griffin calls you Evelyn too, although when he says it, it comes out more like "Ele-ven".

It is interesting raising a girl, and not at all in the ways I expected. I feel a sense of duty to protect you from all the emotional suffering and insecurity I went through as a little girl/ young woman. I want you to always be brave, feel capable, and good enough. I want you to feel beautiful, yes- but also brilliant. I want to be sure that you know can be anything you want, and actually believe it. I want you to know that you don't need to take anyone's crap, that if they don't make you feel good, they're not worth your time and that the only person you owe is yourself. I can see already that you will grow to have a kind and sensitive heart- it is important to be good. But it is also important to believe in yourself. It took me much too long to get to the point where I was comfortable with exactly who I am- to love myself, flaws and all. I hope you just always see yourself the way we see you.

In those ways and many others, you have actually made me a better person. I want to be the best possible role model for you. I want you to grow up with a mama that is confident, that loves every second of her life, that takes risks, that isn't afraid to show her emotions but is also strong. I think I already have those values, but you make me remember to show it, live it every day, reflect it in all my actions. I want to make you proud, the way you make me.

You and your brother are the best things that have ever happened to me. The last 3 years have been an adventure, the last year has been the best one of our lives. I hope each of your birthdays is better than the last.

all my love,

mama

All of the Things

It has been a month since my last post. And in kid time, that's nearly a millennium, so I know there are things I'm going to forget to write about. This time in our lives is a terrible beauty. A wonderful struggle. On many levels, I've never been happier. In other ways, I'm carrying exhaustion and stress I've never experienced before. That's what it's like to have two small humans. A job I love. A marriage that deserves my attention. A home that requires maintaining. And amidst all of that, trying to find the me that remains, and devoting some time to that as well. It's not a new struggle by any means. Millions of women do it every day, many much better than I do. But it explains, at least in part, why my time and effort may not go here as much as I'd like. Something just had to give.

So here are some of the things that have been happening lately. The good and the bad.

The Good

• Griffin is (mostly) potty trained! He wears underpants to school every day which he is FIERCELY proud of.
• Evvie says "mama" and "dada"- with meaning! Griffin is currently trying to teach her to say "Griff". That may be awhile.
• I am in the midst of completely redoing the structure and curriculum for my class, which is very exciting. It will look and feel completely different for this year's incoming class.
• I am taking my (NINETY!!!) student Peer Mentors on a retreat to Estes Park at the end of March.
• Drew has built me a "mini mud room". I was SUPER sick of not having good shoe storage, and nowhere convenient to hang our coats when we walk in the door. Our "coat closet" was a pain to get into and not organizable. So now we have a storage bench for all of our shoes! We each have a hook to hang two coats on! We will each have a basket to hold the random items I find all around the house. And the top shelf will have baskets for hats, gloves, scarves etc. YAY! 
  
• We had a DATE NIGHT!!! We hadn't been out for an evening without the kids since May, so when Angela & Jacob offered to take us to dinner, we jumped at the chance. My parents watched the kids (and said they were awesome) and we partied downtown until midnight!
• I've been exercising every day! And while I look (and weigh) pretty much the same, I feel like a million bucks. I never realized how much I needed to do it until I started doing it. I have more energy, and I feel better. So worth the time (and sweat).
• My Christmas present finally arrived! Drew (on behalf of Griffin and Evvie) bought be a gorgeous garnet & diamond eternity band to represent the kids. I wear it between my wedding band & engagement ring. So so so perfect. 

The Bad

• Griffin still has occasional accidents, and while this is totally normal, they are HORRIBLE and make me for that moment, miss diapers terribly. There is also always constant potty conversation including disagreements about who has to go when. Sigh.
• Drew and I have both been working A LOT. And we are TIRED. Drew has been working overtime on his day off every week so that things aren't as tight. And I have had lots of deadlines, projects, and presentations so I've been working about 50 hours a week lately. 
• Griffin has been having some difficulty in school lately. Ever since his new teacher started in December, we get bad news literally EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. She'll walk up to us and with a very grave look on her face tell us how Griffin used his fingers to put the peas on his spoon. Or how he had trouble using his "listening ears" when it was time to stop coloring for the day. I mean, pretty par for the course 3 year old stuff so we always took it with a grain of salt. Then a week or two ago she told us that she is having "serious concerns" about him because he just wouldn't listen to her at all (even though his other teacher and the director think he's wonderful). Then yesterday I just got a cryptic note telling me to "please see her about his day". Of course she hasn't been around when I've been there, so I just signed up for a parent conference. Sigh. 
• I decided to turn down the paid blogging position. It would have been cool, but like I said- something had to give. Maybe sometime in the future!
• It is STILL WINTER. And likely will be for another month or two. Blerg.

Overall, things are great. And we're concentrating a lot on us as a family, which is exactly what we should be doing.